Children and Parents in the Lord
Ephesians 6:1-4
This sermon was preached by Rev. Chris Roberts during the morning service on Sunday, March 7th, 2010
We have made it past Ephesians 5:22-33 and have entered the last chapter of Ephesians. Chapter six begins with Paul continuing the theme of submission. In 5:21 he instructed believers to submit themselves to one another and from 5:22 through 6:9 he is explaining what submission looks like within the home.
We spent a bit of time digging into his description of husband and wife in 5:22-33 where we saw that God has established the marriage relationship to serve as a kind of divine drama in which we demonstrate the relationship between Christ and the church.
In today’s passage Paul moves on to the relationship between parents and children. Here we see obligations on both sides: things expected of children, and things expected of parents. These instructions are not words of advice. We are not free to disregard what Scripture says to parents and children. Homes and society will only function well when they are organized according to biblical principles and guidelines.
Ephesians 6:1-4
It seems significant that in this passage Paul begins by addressing children. When Paul wrote these letters to churches it was with the expectation that the letters would be read to the assembled congregation. That Paul addresses children shows his expectation that children would be present to hear the letter.
We must never assume that Scripture is too complicated for children. They may not be able to explain all that Scripture teaches but they catch more than we think. And we must remember that when it comes to Scripture we are all children. None of us have the intellectual capacity to understand the Bible. Only by the illumination of the Holy Spirit can we understand the things that have been revealed. God who can illumine Scripture for us can also illumine it for our children. So you with children, even as you read your children’s story Bibles to your kids, do not shy away from reading them the real thing. And although we have children’s church we must not presume children would simply be unable to understand a sermon. Sometimes they may catch more than the adults.
In our passage Paul tells us three things, one which is more by implication than a direct word. First, Paul gives instruction to children. Second, Paul guides fathers in the raising of children. And third, given the way he addresses parents and fathers, Paul implies some things about the ordering of the home. We are going to divide these three points between this Sunday and next Sunday, focusing on the first point today and the other two next week. I had originally planned to preach all three in one sermon but it would have just about doubled the sermon length so I thought you might be grateful if I split it in two.
Before I move into the text, I have been reminded of an old saying that you can never talk about raising children until you have children. The corollary says that the children you have must be grown and out of the home before you can claim to know anything about raising kids. I have kids, but they are far from grown and out of the home. My wife and I are still very early in the learning process. But I can say what I will say today and next week because my authority to speak does not come primarily from my experience but from Scripture. These are words of instruction from the author of parenting, the heavenly Father himself.
Paul begins this passage by addressing children, saying that children are to obey and honor their parents. For the first instruction, children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right, he simply appeals to what is right. It is commonly held in just about every human society that children are to obey their parents. Children who think they should be free to do as they please no matter what their parents think should consider whether any society has ever agreed with them.
That said, children today are being given increasing levels of autonomy. In the name of self-discovery, adults are tossing the reigns to children. One must stop and ask if this is because adults really believe children can make better decisions, or if parents grant autonomy to their children to reduce the work of the parent. But we know that children do not have the experience and learning of adults and are not yet equipped to make well-informed decisions. The older children get, the more autonomy they are granted. But so long as the child is at home he remains under this instruction from God: children, obey your parents in the Lord.
Such obedience is in the Lord as it demonstrates their obedience to God. A child is not just obeying his father and mother when he cleans up his room or returns home by 9:00. A child demonstrates his obedience to God by respecting God’s command that he obey his parents. One implication of this is that if a parents’ command would cause a child to disobey God, the child must be obedient to God, not to his parent. I once read in the news about a mother who taught her young children how to shoplift. She would then take them to the store and emerge with loads of stolen items. That is one parental command that should be disobeyed.
But in general, obedience to parents demonstrates obedience to God. On the other hand, disobedience is a sign that God is not active in a child’s life. It is noteworthy that several passages in the New Testament include disobedience as a sign of rebellious unbelief. Look at Romans 1:29-31: …They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless… God takes seriously a child’s obligation to obey his parents. The same rebellion that leads a child to disobey will also lead a child to foolishness, heartlessness, and inventing evil.
Next, Paul tells says in verse 2, honor your father and mother. Here he quotes from the fifth commandment in Exodus 20:12. Honor covers more territory than obedience. It means you are to obey but you also are to respect, love, and enjoy. Paul is not interested in children just doing the right thing. As a child I was often obedient because I knew disobedience would lead to painful consequences. But Paul wants children to exercise joyful obedience. Children, this does not mean you have to like everything your parents command, but it does mean you respect them and obey them out of respect more than out of fear of punishment. We are not walking in the love of Christ if our obedience is because we fear his punishment. We are to fear him, but the primary motivation for obedience ought to be love and respect. External obedience is not the goal, internal heart-change is what we need.
In Matthew 15 Jesus condemns the Pharisees for finding ways around supporting their aging parents. They had some great excuses for why they did not spend money to support their parents. On the surface they might seem obedient and their excuses might seem genuine but in Matthew 15:8 Jesus cuts through the facade and reveals their hearts: This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. We honor our parents when obedience joins with respect, when our heart matches our lips.
There is another point to raise from Matthew 15. Jesus condemned the Pharisees for failing to honor father and mother. But the Pharisees were not children in the home. They were out on their own, probably married men, perhaps with children of their own. And still Jesus condemns them for violating the fifth commandment.
The instruction to honor father and mother never passes away. How it looks may change over time, I am not expected to obey my parents today in the same way as when I lived under their roof. But honor, respect, support – these expectations never change.
At the end of verse 2 and through verse 3 Paul says of this command, this is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. I want to suggest that the promise is twofold: part physical, part spiritual.
The physical part of the promise is that as a general rule, children who are obedient to parents will enjoy a better, longer life. This is not an absolute promise, some obedient children do suffer tragedy and illness or are killed for their faith or for some other reason die sooner while some wicked men live for many years. But the general principle is that as parents are given the task of guiding children in living in obedience to God, children who obey their parents will avoid many of the destructive behaviors that might lead to a troublesome or short life. Through disobedience a child falls into behaviors that harm him, cause illness, perhaps lead to death.
The spiritual part of the promise is twofold. First, our obedience to parents helps to demonstrate the work of God in our lives. Even children who might not be able to explain much about their faith can demonstrate their faith by obedience. If anyone’s life is characterized more by a love of rebellion than a growth in honor and obedience, there is reason to be concerned with whether or not that individual will enjoy the promise of eternal life with God.
Second, just as obeying parents can lead to safer physical behavior, obeying our parents can also lead us to growth in holiness. This assumes parents are following the instruction Paul gives in verse 4, which we will look at more next week. But parents, always keep in mind that your responsibility to your children is first and foremost to help them grow closer to God. Here is an important question. If your children obey your instructions or follow your example, will they grow like Christ? So children, obey your parents so that even now you will begin to experience the rewards of a growing walk with God.
I want you children to take all of this seriously. We live in an age where rebellion, particularly teenage rebellion, is casually accepted or thought cool. Over the last few decades society has grown to accept that “teenagers will be teenagers.” The end result is a trail of destruction in the lives of those young people who have rejected their parents guidance and decided to follow their own desires. If you really want to do something surprising and significant, throw off society’s expectation. Don’t go along with the crowd. Follow your parents in obedience to Christ. Only in that way will you have a life well lived.
To you parents with children walking dangerous paths, I offer you the encouragement of the prodigal son. We are not promised that our children will someday walk in righteousness. Even Proverbs 22:6 serves as a general principle, a proverb, a piece of wisdom advice, rather than an absolute promise. We set our children on the right path but as Proverbs 16:9 says, in the end it is God who establishes their steps. But we see in the story of the prodigal son that there are children who remember that what their parents have to offer is better than what the world offers. Continue to extend love to your children, though sometimes it must be tough love. Share Christ and show Christ in your life and entrust your child to the hands of God.
Pray for your children. I say that to all parents. Pray desperately for your sons and daughters. Do what you are called to do, teach and guide and instruct as faithful parents in the Lord, and entrust your children to God. Meanwhile, children, obey your parents, for this is right. Honor your father and your mother.